Brain Damage

Physical Sector:Cyl 0,Side 0,Sector 1

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stalking elk

every passing day of my life..
i carry this guilt with me.the guilt of letting one more day going down the trash of time.
and i begin to wonder , how does it merit to be called a life ?
i tell myself i'm free , i reassure myself that someday it'll all change ,and this is
what i've been doing since ... i don't remember when.
slowly the reality is creeping in.I'm no one special,i'll never be.
i'll never be my dreams , i'll never be the one to make any fucking difference to this
whole god forsaken world.
i lack the courage to give up whatever little i have and to go stand for my ideals.
so wow , i turn out to be a yet another hypocrite in the world of people who make false promises.
a meek amongst the meek , a sheep amongst the sheeps.
i sometimes hate myself for dreaming of things i was never going to accomplish in the
first place.there were guys who never thought big ,had small goals.
but i respect them today for atleast they kept their word,and their self respect.
Self respect ! something i'm in a total loss of.and when a person loses self respect ,
he has fallen a million miles into the oblivion.he is but a void.
there is no soul , and no desire to live.just a fear of death.
a fear no different than any lesser mortal who walks this earth.
the person is too ordinary for anything.and the thought recurs,
his every moment of realization as long as he can think ,
before it reaches a void again.its a void everywhere.
i've been looking for myself since so long .And i'm tired now.
there is nothing to fall back on.
i've to accept the facts.i'm on a one way to self destruction.
only this time , there are no hopes, no false hopes.
i won't resurrect this time.there is no desire to live ..
i close my eyes ,
i want to meet the ashes.

twilight

I’m traveling through dreams.
I’m numb. My sense of reality has diminished away.
Maybe I’m in pain. Everything around me has been blurred off.
They are colors as i see them. Fuzzy and mixed into each other.
Its a big blue triangle to my left with floating burs in boundaries
but i can't see to my right. Its all grey there.What bothers me is
a kaleidoscope of red and yellow and white trapeziums-right in front of me
-rotating like a child's play. But I'm inside this vague box.its all so colorful,
but i have my blind spots and I'm bound inside it all.I can't see beyond.
I’m trapped in space .inside a cage but no where.I’m alone. I am screaming and crying.
and i doubt if there is anyone who canhear me while I’m here.
will i ever get out of this ?I’m missing my people. they would never
have let me be trapped like this.Where are they?
The kaleidoscope keeps rotating, the blue triangle stays .I'm left cozy in these bounds,
all by myself.They've left me somehow. Forgot that I was here.
Someone must take me out of this.
My resistance is getting weaker.I feel empty inside.
I need you to take me out.Or I want to sleep forever never to wake up again.
But I can't bear to see this kaleidoscope.I'm on my knees.
No, I can't see it anymore.
But the blue triangle remains where it was.

The Indispensable

I made a big decision a little while ago.
I don't remember what it was, which prob'ly goes to show
That many times a simple choice can prove to be essential
Even though it often might appear inconsequential.
:
:
At night my mind does not much care
If what it thinks is here or there.
It tells me stories it invents
And makes up things that don't make sense.
I don't know why it does this stuff.
The real world seems quite weird enough.
~ excreps from The Indispensable Calvin and Hobbes

Broken glass

Its a strange thing,the weird feeling,
wonder what time it is.where i am,what i feel,
the middle of nowhere,thoughtless chaos..
lost my self,sulk for the the past ,
relentless compulsion,foolish obsession ,
feel ahead,sometimes behind,sometimes nowhere
the pain never ends,hurts deep, all the while
..and i remember the glazing splinters on the bloody floor
the beauty the broken glass ..