stalking elk

every passing day of my life..
i carry this guilt with me.the guilt of letting one more day going down the trash of time.
and i begin to wonder , how does it merit to be called a life ?
i tell myself i'm free , i reassure myself that someday it'll all change ,and this is
what i've been doing since ... i don't remember when.
slowly the reality is creeping in.I'm no one special,i'll never be.
i'll never be my dreams , i'll never be the one to make any fucking difference to this
whole god forsaken world.
i lack the courage to give up whatever little i have and to go stand for my ideals.
so wow , i turn out to be a yet another hypocrite in the world of people who make false promises.
a meek amongst the meek , a sheep amongst the sheeps.
i sometimes hate myself for dreaming of things i was never going to accomplish in the
first place.there were guys who never thought big ,had small goals.
but i respect them today for atleast they kept their word,and their self respect.
Self respect ! something i'm in a total loss of.and when a person loses self respect ,
he has fallen a million miles into the oblivion.he is but a void.
there is no soul , and no desire to live.just a fear of death.
a fear no different than any lesser mortal who walks this earth.
the person is too ordinary for anything.and the thought recurs,
his every moment of realization as long as he can think ,
before it reaches a void again.its a void everywhere.
i've been looking for myself since so long .And i'm tired now.
there is nothing to fall back on.
i've to accept the facts.i'm on a one way to self destruction.
only this time , there are no hopes, no false hopes.
i won't resurrect this time.there is no desire to live ..
i close my eyes ,
i want to meet the ashes.